A New Low

Sunday after church D, M and I headed to Firehouse Subs for lunch. I was responsible, and chose a turkey sandwhich on wheat with no cheese or mayo. Since I think cheese may be the foulest food on the planet, that part was easy. However, I am a firm believer that pickles and mayo make everything better, so that took a little self control. 

Well, our little town has opened a new cupcake store RIGHT NEXT DOOR to Firehouse. Um, so not cool! So as we are sitting there eating our lunch I heard these words come out of my mouth..."D, go get a cupcake so I can watch you eat it." I'm am pretty sure this is all kinds of wrong, in fact, it may be food porn. And yes, we did in fact walk next door, while I helped D & M pick out the perfect cupcake(s) (s, because those heifers got 2 each).

I did however restrain myself from...
...eating a cupcake
...licking off the frosting
...kissing D after his cupcake, or even
...smelling his breath

Don't "eww" me...people it has been over a month since I've had a cupcake!

I did have 2 chocolate chip cookies over the weekend (I was on a women's retreat, it's kind of mandatory!!! I mean it would be like telling the hostess to kiss off if you don't eat a cookie.), but still managed to lose 1/2 a pound over those 2 days. I call that S-U-C-C-E-S-S!! 

Today is a fast day, and I found two new websites (LiveBetterAmerica and SlenderKitchen) with recipes broken down by calorie count, dietary restrictions (ie, gluten free, dairy free), etc. They both totally rocks, and today we are having Chicken Pot Pie for dinner...ON A FAST DAY, WHAT?!? (Recipe)

Other than that...water intake is a little slow today. Coffee intake is a little high. I think it's time to switch to water & decaf. Later!

Finally A Break!

Well, unfortunately, M's volleyball team lost in the 2nd round of playoffs, so the season has come to an end. I must say, as sad as I am for the girls, it was so nice getting off work yesterday with NOTHING on the agenda. (Okay, that's a lie, because after missing 6 weeks due to volleyball, M was NOT going to miss church.) But for now, I have a semi-break!!! Woot Woot! I mean I have 8 days straight with nothing on the calendar outside of business hours (other than church). Of course, I know me, and somehow I'll still be busy!

This means M has about 10 days off of volleyball before travel tryouts. We are changing clubs this year, so we really don't know what all that will entail. I'm hoping for me it means a year of just being mom. (Last year I was a board member of the prior club, so leaving also meant resigning).

Today is Fast Day 2 this week, and so far so good. I'm at 30 calories (2 cups of coffee with sugar free vanilla creamer), but lunch is about to happen. I think I'll have Chick-fil-a again. It really is becoming my go-to lunch for both fast & non-fast days. Who knew 6 grilled nuggets and applesauce could be so good?!

Tomorrow is weigh-in. So far I'm averaging 2-2 1/2 lbs. per week; so I'm hoping for the same.

In other news, Bella, my 2005 Ford Explorer, has started making creeks and moans. She's getting on up in years (and mileage). Sunday, we noticed her health declining more rapidly than usual. D and I talked about it, and decided it was time to trade her in. Is it weird that I feel sad about that? I mean, I would LOVE a new car, but I just feel like I am abandoning her. I wanted to keep her around, but D being the reasonable one, reminded me that we would never drive her once we got the new car, and she would probably just take up space in the driveway. M won't be driving (alone) for at least a year, so there is just no sense in keeping her. Besides, M won't baby her the way I do, okay, that's a lie too...I don't actually baby her, but I do love her, and M won't love her the same. She just wouldn't make it. (Hey, Blogger, this is the perfect spot for a frowny face, but for some reason you didn't give me that option. Boo!)

Pink Party - Breast Cancer Celebration

Okay, in my last post, I told you I would post my notes from my "speech" during the Pink Party celelbration last night. So, for those interested (it's a long read), here you go...

I am not a public speaker, and this is not a subject I really enjoy talking about. In fact, this is only the 2^nd time I have done so publicly. You will probably see me reading from my notes a lot, so please bear with me. The last time (and only other time) I spoke about this I typed out my notes, but didn’t want to get up on stage and read them, nor had I memorized them. So, I got up there, and basically skimmed over my notes as I spoke. Afterwards, I asked Damian how I had done. He said to me “It was good, but I liked the one you wrote better.” So, you are getting the one I wrote this time!

In August 2007, I went to a Dermatologist in Macon to have an area on my breast looked at. I was told over the previous 4-6 years by 3 different Gynecologist that it was “nothing to worry about”, “probably a clogged milk duct”, and having it removed would only be “replacing a scar with a scar.” That summer an email went around regarding a new form of breast cancer, that didn’t appear as a lump, but instead as a visible mark on the outside of the breast called Inflammatory Breast Cancer. I went to my Gynecologist, and showed her my spot again. She went over the symptoms for Inflammatory Breast Cancer with me, and we both agreed that my spot didn’t fit the bill. But to give me peace, she referred me to a Dermatologist.

So in August of that year I visited Dr. Kent. He looked at the spot on my breast, and told me, that he honestly had no idea what it was, but that he was sure it wasn’t cancer. However, because he was stumped he wanted to biopsy it. I agreed. I didn’t tell my mom or any of my family, because at that point, I felt he was right. 2 weeks later, I returned alone, to have my stitches removed, and Dr. Kent sat down, and started with…”First I want to apologize. Never in my 20+ years of practicing medicine have I ever told someone they didn’t have cancer, and was wrong; because if I have a shadow of a doubt, I don’t make promises. But this time I was wrong. I am so sorry.” He went on to tell me that I had a rare form of skin cancer Dermatofibrosarcoma Protuberans that effects the dermis layer of skin, and only the part that had spread to the epidermis was visible to the human eye.  In his entire career, he had seen these tumors only twice before, and both were benign. Mine was not. I was in shock. I didn’t cry, I just sat there, and listened as he told me what we would do next.

When I left that day, I called my husband Damian (who was then my boyfriend and was living in Texas). We talked. I cried. We planned for him to move back to Georgia. Then I did exactly what he and my doctor told me not to do….I googled it. “Dermatofibrosarcoma Protuberans – A Rare “neoplasma” of the dermis layer of skin. There is only 1 case per million per year. Very high recurrence rate. Does not respond well to chemo or radiation. Treatment options - surgery”

I had my first surgery (a Mohs procedure) in late September. It was local anesthesia only, so I was awake for the entire procedure. It was pretty much awful! They removed about a quarter size area from my breast that about an inch deep. The tissue was then sent off for testing to see if there were any clear edges around it. They would label the skin by 12 sections along the top, bottom and sides, and it would take 5 days to get the results. Only 2 of the 12 were clear. There are no words to truly describe my 2^nd surgery. I cried, I hyperventilated, I almost passed out multiple times through the procedure. It took hours, and they removed a section that was 2” x 3” wide. It was by far the most horrible thing I have ever medically been through. We then had the waiting game. 5 days later, I got the call that this time 10 of the 12 sections were clear, which meant another surgery. I was devastated. I had already had 1/3 or more of my breast removed, and I wasn’t ready for another surgery. Dr. Kent’s office was great, and my 3^rd surgery went much better than the 2^nd. They weren’t required to remove nearly as much skin & tissue this time. 5 days later, we finally got the call I had been praying for. 12 out of 12 areas were clear! The next step was plastic surgery. I had over 1/3 of my breast removed, and though the tissue would grow back rather quickly, the skin would not. Late November, I underwent skin graft surgery. They removed a portion of skin from my arm, and placed it on my left breast. Because I technically had an open wound for 2 months, my immune system was down. I was sick, and had a hard time with that surgery. My kidneys struggled to wake up after the surgery and I had to be rushed back to the emergency room. My physical wounds healed slowly. My emotional wounds healed even slower.

I had taken 1 week off of work for what I thought was going to be a simple outpatient surgery. I was finally released to go back to work after 13 weeks. A week after I returned I was told I was no longer needed. Those 3 months and the following 6 months were some of the darkest times in my life. I lost my job, my home, my physical beauty. I was angry. Angry at my boss, angry at my circumstances, angry at God. I mean really, really angry!

One day during worship at Christ Chapel Sportstowne, God asked me when I was going to stop being mad, when was I going to forgive him…not because he had done something wrong, but because I blamed him. Little by little I began to forgive him, and each time I would inch closer to forgiveness, he would open my eyes a little more to his plan.

But you see, forgiving God was easier than understanding why. I always thought forgiveness was the hard part, because it certainly isn’t the easy part, but trust was the hard part. Trusting that God’s why was good enough and even trusting that I may not ever know God’s why. That took years.

I’m 6 years this side of cancer, and I rarely talk about it. Sometimes, because I feel like my battle was shorter and easier than others, sometimes because I still get angry about it, and sometimes because there is more to tell then I want to admit.

You see, over the last 6 years, God has answered a lot of my “Why’s” though not all.

First, I know it wasn’t because I had done something wrong. Now don’t get me wrong…I am a professional sinner. I mean I am GOOD at it. But I don’t believe my cancer was God punishing me. John 9:3 says “’It was not because of his sins or his parents’ sins,’ Jesus answered. ‘This happened so the power of God could be seen in him.’”  This was a big deal for me. When I was 12 years old my aunt had a baby. She suffered severe postpartum depression, and as a result, cut ties with all of the family. At 12 I couldn’t understand that, but I could see the hurt it caused my family. 6 months later, she was diagnosed with leukemia. 1 month later, she passed away. As a child, I remember asking God often, if he had punished her, I also feared often that when I had done something wrong, that he would give me cancer too. I didn’t have a real understanding of what a loving God we have. Today I can tell you with confidence that God didn’t allow me to have cancer to punish me…He allowed me to have cancer so He could receive glory.

Second, I don’t believe God gave me cancer, but I do believe he allowed me to get it. I also believe he took it, and made something good out of it. Genesis 50:20 says “You intended to harm me, but God intended it all for good. He brought me to this position so I could save the lives of many people.”

A year and half prior, I met Damian. Being from the deep south, my family was less than excited for me to be in an bi-racial relationship. Though on the surface they were “nice” to him, they did not approve of our relationship, and were just biding their time, waiting for us to break up. But I already knew I would marry this man. During one of my cry/prayer sessions with God, I remember telling him to do whatever it took to turn their hearts. I even remember telling him that if it meant something major happening to me that I could handle it.

During my surgeries (all 4 of them), my mom, dad and Damian all 3 sat in the waiting room together. Together they worried, prayed, talked, and formed this silent bond. They were all fighting for me….together. Over those 13 weeks, walls began to come down.

Finally, I know that God was with me the whole time. He heard my cries, my prayers, my pain. Psalm 41:3 says “The Lord nurses them when they are sick and restores them to health.” What comfort can we take knowing that God sees our weakness, and HE nurses us back to health. I know that for me, this wasn’t just a physical healing. During those dark months, the Lord was nursing my spirit man back to health too. When I called, when I begged, when I cried out, God was there for me. Matthew 7:7 “Keep on asking, and you will receive what you ask for. Keep on seeking, and you will find. Keep on knocking, and the door will be open to you.” God hear, and he answered.

So whether you are going through cancer today, have been through it in the past, or know someone going through it, I want to encourage you that God is with you, He hears you, and He promises to be our nurse, our healer.

We may not get the answer to all of our whys this side of heaven. But we can be assured that God hears us, He loves us, and He has given me comfort in knowing that cancer or no cancer, no matter how good or bad the prognosis, living or dying, my eternity is secure. 2 Corinthians 4:17-18 says “For our present trouble are small and won’t last very long. Yet they produce for us a glory that vastly outweighs them and will last forever. So we don’t look at the troubles we can see now, rather we fix our gaze on thing that cannot be seen. For the things we see now will soon be gone, but the things we cannot see will last forever.”

The 2-Letter Word

When will I learn that NO is a 2-letter word, and not a 4-letter word? The last few weeks have been crazy busy, but subconsciously I must like it. That's all I can figure, because I just keep doing it. I remember having dinner at a friends house toward the end of September. D and I were telling them about this restaurant we wanted them to try. So we pulled out our calendars to schedule a date. After about 30 seconds, I said "So, how does November look?" That pretty much sums up my October. But hey, it's the 22nd, so it's almost over, right?!

I had a Pink Party to celebrate the lives of those effected by Breast Cancer last night, which went awesome! I was the speaker, which I was totally nervous about, but I'd say it wasn't a complete failure. I'll even post my "speech" here for you to read.

Tonight is round 2 of volleyball playoffs for M. It's a big night. Though they are ranked number 3 in the state, because of how we drew in the brackets, we face number 2 (who happen to be the 2-time reigning state champions) tonight. But I know if the girls dig deep, they can move on to Elite 8 (for the 3rd year in a row), and take it all the way to State.

Granted, if they win tonight, I'll be out of town (again) for the next round of playoffs. Go figure! I'll be attending the Atlanta Women of Faith Conference. This will be my 3rd year, and I'm very excited. I look forward to this every year. And just last week, I got even more exciting news, when I found out that Missy Robertson and Mia Robertson (Duck Dynasty's Jase Robertson's wife and daughter) will be there!! Whoop Whoop!

Oh, not only will I miss the next round of playoffs, it's also M's homecoming dance. (bummed) But I'm trying to think positive, and focus on the awesome father-daughter bond that D & M will form over preparing for the dance together.

So...I'm going to do my best to make November my "NO" month. No volunteering, No extra events, No commitments, NO!!!

Numbers

Tuesday was a fast day and I was CRAZY busy! I had to work until 4:00, run to the other side of town to pick up flyers for the Pink Party next week, pick up M from volleyball practice, drop her at the house, throw together dinner for D & M, jump in the car and head to a meeting at a coffee shop for the Pink Party. Trust me when I tell you there is NOTHING good that can happen on fast day at a coffee shop, well not for me anyway! Well, on my way I remembered something my dear sweet little sister A (who will be 30 in less than a month), told me earlier in the day...the 6-pc grilled kids meal with applesauce & diet coke at Chick-Fil-A is only 170 calories! So I swung by the drive-thru on my way to the coffee shop, and that meal saved the day! I wasn't even tempted, okay, maybe a little but that's because one of the ladies ordered a brownie and another one order a frappe, and well, you get the picture. But I didn't cave. In fact, I came in at 415 calories for the day. Thursday was equally as successful at 378 calories, and that day included a painting party with a real junk food spread (PB&Js, Turkey sandwiches, Cookies, Chips, Halloween Candy, etc..)

Seriously, I have to say, I am not as tempted to cheat on my fast days as my regular days, and even on those days I'm not as tempted to cheat as I have in the past because I look back and go, "I survived on 415 calories yesterday...do I really want to throw away all that effort?!?"

Okay, okay....I figured I would go ahead and post those numbers I wasn't willing to share last week, but you still aren't getting pictures. I mean really, who wants to see that stuff anyway? Unless you are dieting and about to eat a piece of cake, because then I'm pretty sure you would lose your appetite and change your mind.

So here goes....I started this weight loss journey just before October 1st at a whopping 154 lbs.

No seriously, that is 22 lbs. more than I weighed the day my daughter was born. 22 lbs. What was I thinking?! My goal weight is 125. That means I have a total of 29 lbs. to lose (which sounds so much better than 30, right?) I lost 2 lbs. just cutting calories, but that was over a 2 week period, at that rate it would take 6 months to lose the remaining 27 lbs., which is why I started doing the 5:2 Diet. Week one, I lost 2.5 lbs. This morning I weighed in at 147, losing another 2 lbs!!

Now, don't get me wrong, I want this to be a long-term permanent weight loss. However, we all know that sometimes a little motivation doesn't hurt. So, I am going on a cruise in 6 weeks. I have 5 more Friday weigh-ins between now & then. My goal is to continue to lose 2-2.5 lbs./week and be at 135 lbs by then. Of course, I would like to lose a little more, giving myself some freedom to eat on the cruise. I don't think I will fast while on the cruise, but I also don't plan to eat my weight in food each day.

This will leave me with only 10 more lbs to loose before I adjust to "maintaining" instead of losing. I am doing so well on the 5:2 plan. I really am not "suffering" on my fast days. So I think once I get down to my goal weight I will still fast 1 day a week, switching to a 6:1 plan.

Okay, that's enough of the boring stuff. If the last post was a cliffhanger episode, this was the infomercial you sit through only to make sure you don't miss a second of your show!

Season Premier

You know how the season finale of a show is always a cliff hanger, and you have to wait 5 months to find out what happens. I figured that what's my last post was like, which would make this one the season premier, right? Okay, maybe I'm exaggerating that a bit. :)

Well, here's how my Saturday went, GA lost, my daughter's team won, and I went to the wrong game. Lesson learned. Ugh! Anyway, the good news is because her team won, we move to round two of playoffs, and I'll get to watch her play again tomorrow! 

Monday, was a whole new tale...M has a homecoming dance on 10/26. So yesterday, we set out to find a dress. Let me paint this picture for you. Me, my 15 year old 5'10" hormonal charming daughter, my strict and modest amazing husband, my dear sweet mother who hasn't had to deal with homecoming in 15 years, my sister's mother-in-law (who happens to be my mom's best friend) and never had daughters, and my 5 year old nephew (who turned out to be great entertainment). What could go wrong!?!  Well, believe it or not the first dress she tried on was perfect! Absolutely beautiful, made for M! But...(you knew there was a but!) it was a long maxi dress, and apparently there is an unwritten rule that you CANNOT (listen to me...CAN NOT) wear a long dress to homecoming. It's basically a cardinal sin. So after 6 more dresses that made M a dead runner for the lead in Pretty Women, we moved to the next store. 2 hours and 20 dresses later, I accidentally picked up a dress I didn't check the price on (I blame the fact that they do not sell alcohol at our mall, which I was obviously in need of at this point.) Well, wouldn't you know it fit perfect?! Great! Well, now we have a problem. M has a $160 budget and this dress is $120, which means she only has $40 for shoes & jewelry. So we put on a big girl panties and our running shoes and march over to DSW to look for a deal. (Meanwhile the clock is ticking and she has volleyball practice in 2 hours, no pressure.) Well, no such luck. Now we have 1 hour, no dress, no shoes, no leads, and one very, very emotional teenager.

We head back to the store to purchase the overpriced dress, but make M do one more walk-thru to make sure she didn't see anything else. Despite her insistence that she had tried on everything, we enter the dressing room with 12 new dresses (guess those just magically appeared in the last hour), and finally found the one!!! Coming in a $60 we had plenty of money for shoes, which came in a $65, with $35 left for jewelry. Oh thank God this day is over (and that I have a bottle of Skinny Girl Margarita in the fridge)!!

I also somehow managed to stay under my calorie count all weekend. If you consider that it involved 2 birthday parties and a college football game, and the previously described day from hell adventure that is no small miracle! I even splurged yesterday & had Starbucks for breakfast, which included a grande skinny vanilla latte (120 calories) and 1 petite vanilla scone (120 calories) = 240 calorie breakfast

Well, this next week should be packed full of adventure, which means this season should be hell great! Seriously, my next 7 days include: Pink Party (breast cancer awareness celebration) which I have to pick up the info/literature for, pick up decorations for, set up & decorate, and speak at, volleyball practice (4 days) and volleyball game, Truth Be Told Art Party, 80th Birthday celebration for my Papa which I have to cook & set up for, Church & Connections Class which I have yet to prepare the lesson for, and somehow get out late letters for the HOA, and approve and send out the minutes from our last meeting. This on top of working 40 hours and being wife & mom. Nope, I don't get in the middle of too much at all.

Handing over my crown

I will be handing over my title (and crown) as Mom of the Year on Saturday, because I am going to the UGA v. Mizzou game instead of my daughter's first EVER Varsity playoff game.

It's not my fault!! I'm not the one who put football season in the middle of volleyball season. But seriously, she played JV this year, so when I bought the tickets MONTHS ago I had no idea she would get moved up to Varsity. (Okay, I thought it might happen since she was a starter and all, but I wasn't sure), and it didn't occur to me that the Varsity season lasts way longer than JV. (Which again, wasn't well thought out because in the 3 years since the school opened we have been to Elite 8 the last 2. So again, I knew playoffs were inevitable.) But I just wasn't thinking...and my husband is a Mizzou fan, and well, this is my first GA game!

So I did what any good parent would do. I kept my ticket, I'm going to the game, and I called my parents and asked them to go watch her play. Don't we all feel better now? I just really hope I can actually enjoy the game, and not worry about what a crappy mom I am.  

 p.s. I am down 2.5 lbs. after the 1st week of the 5:2 Diet. Now, I must NOT blow it at the game.